LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM

SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS

How many of these apply to you?

1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to
cheer myself up.

2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or
more in a day.

3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.

4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or
before work.

5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a
chapter without
being seen.

6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in
order to read
novels.

7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as
the characters
speak.

8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless
there is a book
nearby.

9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to
read.

10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions
that I would
otherwise avoid.

11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household
chores until I have
finished a novel.

12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books
instead.

13. I have attempted to check out more library books
than permitted.

14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.

15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy
reading.

16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a
bout of reading.

17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of
something I read.

18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.

19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these
questions,you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or
more indicates a
serious problem.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or
LA, has risen to
new levels due to the accessibility of higher
education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World
War. The number of
literature abusers is currently at record levels.

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or
normal
relationships.  They fantasize, creating alternative
worlds to occupy,
to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases
they develop bad
posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying
heavy book bags.
In the worst instances, they become cranky reference
librarians in small
towns.

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the
number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English
professors, teachers of
English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction
Syndrome, this
disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of
nearsightedness,
daydreaming and emotional instability.

HEREDITY

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity
plays a
considerable role in determining whether a person will
become an abuser
of literature.  Most abusers have at least one parent
who abused
literature, often beginning at an early age and
progressing into
adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers
themselves.

OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers,
librarians, or heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children
to play games,
participate in healthy sports, or watch television in
the evening.

PREVENTION

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to
adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in
particular should
seek partners active in other fields. Children should
be encouraged to
seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and
morbid introspection.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the
lowest circle belongs
to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and
hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for
signs that their
children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your
teenager to
approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser."
By the time you
visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the
Paris Review, it
may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an
English major:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your
concern.  Let her know
you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a
hundred grand to
put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Walden
books, either.  But
remember that she may not be able to make a decision
without help;
perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is
dying of arsenic
poisoning.

2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I
found this book
in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask
the hard
question--Who is this Count Vronsky?

3. Show her another way. Move the television set into
her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.

4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card.
Make her stop
signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a
math class, or minor
in Spanish.  Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if
one or more of the
following applies:

* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton
died.

* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic
poet.

* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron,
VirginiaWoolf, Faulkner
or any scene from the Lake District.

Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek
help for yourself
or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of
the American
Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your
telephone
directory.